Ambitions , Life and a journey of ten minutes

“Ambition” – Probably one of the mightiest words of the English language. A single word which characterizes the nature of a human being and the very reason of human existence. It is this world which shapes our behavioral and emotional aspects. Every thing, good or bad, is driven by this single word. For some their ambition is to be rich, for few it is love, for few it is God and for others it is power, the list is countless. This ‘ambition’ controls the taste and rationale behind many things. The greed, the anger, the love, the peace whatever we see in our life is the result of this ambition. The more materialistic our ambitions are the more we are dragged to sadness, agony and pain while the lesser they are the more we feel happiness, joy and peace.

So what are my ambitions? Or do i want to end my ambitions? Honestly, I never thought about it until Dec 24, 08.

Dec24, 08

It is just another shining day of Indian winter. Most of my colleagues and friends are/or planning for the year end vacation, but ‘ambitious’ me have different plans. It is the time to put things into action which I always dreamt or rather aspired for. My ambitions, mostly if not all, are driven by money. No I am not greedy but I need it badly to pay off the liabilities and the family needs. Though nobody ever demanded it from me but intelligent and responsible I feel that there is huge responsibility on my shoulders which I must carry out in order to justify my existence here. I must meet the expectation that many have put on me unspoken. So this is the day when I’d put the very first step on this path. God only knows what’ll happen next but I must do my karma. The day is going fine and the first step is placed as per expectations.

I am joyous and now feel more ambitious (now the greed starts coming in). I draw plans of future and how the things should stand on. I make many ideas and recap how people have deceived me and how I can repay them back! I take the quilt on me while drawing my jealously and hated plans. At the same time I am watching a clip of a goat being slaughtered in Punjab. I feel uneasiness and giddy ….

Dhakkkkk…. I open my eyes. Who am I? Where am i? What is this world and where is earth. I recall I am a boy and why can’t I remember anything. I feel something and touch my cheek. My anti-glare glasses are hanging on my right ear with the left glass half broken. Holy shit.. how I landed on the floor ? Why am I not breathing normally? I saw my laptop, it got smashed onto floor and is now laying flat. I feel more uneasiness as I regain consciousness… ah something is hurting… I touch my lip, oh my tooth smashed into my upper lip and I saw the blood on my finger. All this happen in seconds. My nerves activate my defensive system. I must get water. I get up and rush to kitchen.. gulp.. gulp one glass down, now second.. dhakkkkk.. once again I fell and the glass trembles and the sound resonates with few other utensils. Why the hell I don’t call my friend who is sitting in the next room watching tv? No, I am a man and am brave enough to tackle. Hell the man ego is so bad…. My defensive system replies hey what the fuck? Do you want to die? I get up and call my friend as he turns up I again fell on the bed.

Now I have control over my mind and can take logical decisions. Awwwwwkk.. the food is in my food pipe from down my belly. I must spew. I rush towards the balcony and get the job done… now I am feeling better while I open the tap to fill bucket with water to clean the mess. Why should I bother my friend? Oh no ego again. He is more than supportive and takes good care of me while making lemonade at the same time.

I am back to normal and relaxed.

Is it?

I am left behind with so many things. Where are my plans? Where is my greed… I just experienced something which I have never before. What is life? We always run after so many things while we are not sure about it. Life can deceive us at any time without any information or hint !

I am thinking and I just learned a new truth of life. A truth that I can not explain or put in words but something which I just discovered!

I don’t know how will this impact on my life but yes I have learned and experienced a moment which I can not distinguish – good or bad.

And the ambitions? Well they continue but with a vengeance !